iPhone Preview: Monopoly!

No, I’m not talking about a version of the board game for the iPhone — that’s been done.   ( I predicted that, too, just not out loud).

I’m talking a shameless, glorious capitalistic monopoly.

You just know that Steve Jobs wants it.  Bad.  He coulda been, shoulda been, woulda been way richer than Bill Gates, if only that big dork Woz hadn’t got them off on the wrong foot.  (That’s a pun – get it?)  Now, with the release of version 3.0 of the iPhone OS, all the pieces are in place for Jobs to take his rightful place at the top of the techie pantheon.

No, thats not me.

Apple will simply sail in the wake of  Microsoft’s battleship.  Consider:

1. By opening iPhone connectivity to all sorts of 3rd party devices, a huge hardware ecosystem rivaling the iPhone’s app support is going to spring up. Windows won the OS war partly because of all the hardware that was compatible with it, and only it.
2. By making peace with (or at least ending the cat-and-mouse game with) jailbreak applications, I believe (or at least wildly guess that) Jobs and co. are tacitly admitting that funneling all 3rd party apps through the narrow neck of the App Store approval process is counterproductive. Soon, the iPhone will be open to every sort of  software, including the nasty stuff.  Just like Windows!
3. The iPhone now has copy and paste support. Windows has copy and paste support. Coincidence? Yeah, right, and so is the fact that Britney Spears and I have the same birthday. We were totally separated at birth!!! (Wouldn’t it be cool if the Britney Spears blog gave me a trackback?)

Steve Jobs has no Belt. Yet.

Now that the iPhone is well along the path to a uber-gadget (nee smartphone) monopoly, it is clear what lies ahead:

1. Jobs becomes super-super-super-rich. Woz remains a big dork.
2. The EU sues Apple for bundling a cell phone on the iPhone.  Apple responds by releasing an iPhone-like gadget without an integrated cell phone, which they name the iPod.  The EU settles for a billion dollars.
3. The Linux zealots flock around the also-rans. Since the iPhone is actually running *nix, the zealots are forced to admit they were wrong all along and embrace Windows Mobile.  Hey, it has a keyboard with a Ctrl key!
4. Jobs reveals that the Fake Steve Jobs blog was actually written by him, and he’s glad that he called the Linux zealots “freetards”.
5. Apple’s press releases begins referring to Jobs as Stephen P. Jobs.   Jobs begins wearing a belt.
6. Somebody at Apple finally realizes that naming new iPhones after version numbers is decidedly uncool.
7. iPhone Titania introduces support for Adobe Flash. Havoc ensues. Freetards bray “I told you so”. Stephen P. Jobs brays “I told you so first, freetards”.

And so it all comes crashing down to the ground. The iPhone will continue to limp along with 98.3% of the uber-gadget market, but clearly the curse of the Monopoly will have struck again.  The iPhone will join Windows in the ignomy of being a ridiculously successful failure.

But as the Terminator has taught us , the future can be changed.  It’s not too late, Stephen.  Banish Adobe Flash to the hell from whence it came.  Don’t wait for the App Store to approve iTimeTravel, do it now!